1 year!!

I was told by my Oncologist that the years of survival are based on the date of the core biopsy.

I knew it was around a year ago that I had the biopsy. I looked on my ical and found it was the 8th of last year.
Happy 1 year to me!!! Providing there is nothing lurking deep within my tissue and bones.

Yes, I can find a pessimistic slant on what should be a very happy occasion.

I am paranoid. I keep feeling every little lump, ache and pain in my body and deciding this is it.
This has got to be the metastasis.

Right now my left arm hurts. The irritation is in my ulna which can't be where the cancer would start.

Anyways, logically, I know this. I had to be set straight once again with facts that if it were bone cancer, I would be feeling like crap all the time and have no immune system.
All logic that I don't stop to think about when I decide that my pain is more than just a little inflammation from smacking it into something or hauling my son around.

I am just scared. I want to live. This cancer should be gone.

I have had chemo.

Tamoxifen is not going so well. My body is not compatible at all with it it seems.

I get the uterine pain so bad after a while that I get scared. I stop the Tamoxifen and within 24 hours, the pain is gone completely.

I tried again after a break and went to half a dose. I was actually good on that for quite a while, a month or so even. Even had my period (the full dose stopped that)

Then, after a while, the pain started again. Off the tamoxifen once again for now.

I saw the Oncologist. There is a chance of fibroids that would be caused by the Tamoxifen.

I have an ultrasound on Tuesday to check it all out.
After that, depending on what is found, I may just try the tamoxifen again.

We are planning another baby so I want to find out what is going on.
Even if I do have a few starting, shouldn't be an issue and if it is, it can be sorted out.

So, I have gone from being anti Tamoxifen to really wondering when I can get back on it.
I still hate it. I still think that its a horrible drug in a lot of ways.
A carcinogen to fight a carcinoma.

I just want to be here for my son and my husband.

Another baby is in the planning yes, but at the same time, Ethan is what I do have and he is a for sure thing and I want to be here for him for a long time.

We could always adopt. I have nothing against it and would love the baby dearly.
I just want to go through being pregnant again, ultrasounds and the whole experience.

Nothing comes even close to it in life. I found being pregnant and then of course the outcome: my son, the best experience ever.

I loved every second of being pregnant. Yes, the emesis too. It reasurred me that all was good.

Kidney stones and a night in the maternity ward checking to make sure it was not baby, not such a happy experience. However, the outcome was all good and Ethan was just fine.

I don't care about pain. I can tolerate it as long as I know that everything is ok or is going to be ok.

Tamoxifen for example, I will take it even if it causes pain as long as I know its not doing anything nasty to me in the long run.