Thats the only thing keeping me going and making me feel like I can take more of this. The fact that after the next its OVER! I don't care if I made a mistake and there are actually 5 rounds or .... something like that. Its over. One way or another.
The side effects the last couple of rounds have been worse. I don't wan to list everything. One of the worst is the acid reflux. I ended up the other night, drinking most of a bottle of malox, eating a tub of yogurt, drinking so much milk and probably OD'ing on the nexium. Still in so much pain.
Never had that so bad and I have actually had issues with the reflux for years.
I am exhausted and cranky. I have never been so angry kicking walls etc. I get mad at everything some days. "its all a part of the drugs". Thats wonderful. I am turning into a psycho.
What is scaring me is the waiting and wondering about the chemo induced cancers that could arise from the treatments. Have I gone and traded one not even confirmed cancer for another?
I don't know how to get past that. I don't know how to get past the constant worry. I want to get back to living but how? I feel that this cancer and chemo has totally invaded my life and has taken over. I don't know when I can just live in peace. I know that there is going to be a point where I have to let it all go for the most part and if anything happens in the future it happens.
Like the breast cancer. I was always aware that there was a possibility that I would get cancer again as I had it once before. I was on the look out with everything with out being too rediculus when I would find some lump or abnormality. I was cautious thats why I found the lump and knew it was not a regular one.
I lived in peace though at the same time as being cautious. Can I get that back? How? When?
And when the heck am I a "survivor" from all of this? When I die of another cause? This could come back anytime, next week, next month, in ten years, in 15-20. So, when am I a survivor?
Maybe now just the fact that I am surviving every day.
Maybe its just my mood today. Maybe it is the drugs. Maybe I have changed into a bitter hag.
I have changed lately and I don't like it.
I am scared and its taking over. I just want to be here to see my son grow up. I don't want him to be without a mother.
Maybe I will feel better once all of this is all over with once and for all. I just keep thinking one more round and I never have to go back to the chemo ward again. Hopefully.
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